How to Recover Trust Issues after Your Boyfriend Cheated.

It seems like a globally pertinent topic when we discuss why men cheat and how women can get over it. It applies to men and women all over the world, regardless of ethnicity, race, wealth, and background. We see men cheating on their lovely, amazing girlfriends all the time.

 

If this is your first time your boyfriend cheated on you, it could be quite a tragic experience and hurt your feelings tremendously. You would certainly be angry that a person you trusted betrayed you when you did nothing but to care for him and love him deeply.

 

I assume you’ve made one of the two choices after the incident: either break up with him or give him another chance.

 

image caption: flickr

If you broke up with him, great, you don’t need to read the rest of this post, because you can just go ahead and find a better person. In some cases though, women decide to forgive a cheating boyfriend and give him a second chance because they love him so deeply already. (I strongly advise not to give him a “third” chance. If your boyfriend cheats on you twice, that means he doesn’t regret what he’s done to you and will even get more skillful at cheating next time he sees an opportunity.)

 

Even if you forgive your boyfriend, it’s difficult to forgive him quickly at the beginning. It would take time for him to earn your trust back. While you and your boyfriend would be trying hard to make it work, you would have trust issues that make it hard for you to maintain a healthy relationship with him.

 

Here are some questions you are likely to ask yourself when you’re having a trust issue:

  • What if he cheats again? 
  • Should I cheat too?
  • Do I need a back-up (in case he cheats again)?
  • Do I still love him after everything that’s happened?
  • Why did he cheat on me? What did I do wrong?
  • What’s special about this woman he flirted with that made him cheat?
  • How far did their relationship “really” go?
  • I think he didn’t tell me the whole story when he confessed me about the cheating incident. There must be more!! 
  • Did he sleep with her?
  • Did they have a secret trip together?
  • Did they do what we did together?
  • Should I meet her in person and ask her what really happened?

The list goes on and on. Panic and overreaction won’t subside anytime soon.

 

But there is hope! I’ve heard many stories of women who became happy again or even got happier with their boyfriend after the cheating incident. Once you cope with your trust issues, your relationship with your boyfriend can become stronger.

 

How to cope with your trust issues:

  • Stop asking the questions I listed above. Whether they slept together or had a secret trip together doesn’t matter! What’s past is past, he regrets what he’s done, and you’ve already decided to give him a second chance. So, stop asking questions that will only make you unhappy. Instead, start making a list of how you want your boyfriend to change in the future. Give him the list and give him some time to change.
  • Ask your boyfriend what specifically he thinks he did wrong. By making him talk about it, he will start to realize what not to do next time.
  • Ask your boyfriend how he would react if you cheated on him in the exact same way. Put him in your shoes!
  • This works like a charm: Make him call his cheating partner right in front of you, and make him confess the truth, how bastard and stupid he was, how much he wants to end this, and how much he loves his real girlfriend. And he tells her never to contact him again. Then, hang up the phone and erase her number and all histories between him and her on his phone and computer.
  • Ask yourself why the cheating incident happened. Sometimes, men cheat because their girlfriend din’t spend enough time with them, din’t care for him that much, avoided any physical contacts with him, looked down on him, and so on. We all want to be loved by someone we love. Give and take!
  • If you gained a lot of pounds after you started seeing him, and your hair and makeup look awful, that’s a bad sign. Lever give up your physical attractiveness just because you found the right guy! Remember how pretty you were in the first date with him?
  • Think optimistically. Half of the people on the planet are men. You can give him another chance and if things don’t work out well, you can just find another one.
  • HOW? If you are not ready to attend social events or hire a matchmaker, then online dating sites could help you out. There is a significantly greater number of men than women at online dating sites. This means if your boyfriend cheats on you again, you can just join online dating sites and get matched very easily the next day.
  • Hang out with your friends more often. Talk to them about what you’ve been going through. Talking to your friends can really help, rather than keeping it inside. Your friends can tell from your sad face anyway.

Feel free to share your experiences in the comment lines and tell us how you coped with the cheating incident! Women need to stay strong and not be the weaker one in a relationship.

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Who should pay for a date? Mystery of Gender Equality and Dating Bills

Who should pay for a date? Mystery of Gender Equality and Dating Bills

 There have been some controversies concerning the question of “who should pay for a first date?” This question becomes more complicated as the issue of gender equality, income difference, and feminism come in. Feminists (or women in general) claim that men and women are equal, especially with regards to the opportunities in career and education, yet women still want some traditional perks, like men opening the door for them and so on. Men would complain and say “what the hell? You can’t have it all!” Either choose gender equality or traditional courtship. If you want both, then it would be unfair for men!

This question intrigued me and led me to think about whether the whole dating payment system is flawed. If we think rationally (and objectively) about this issue, why in the world should men still pay for a first date when women support gender equality? It’s quite ironic! Well, even though the society has changed rapidly, some things still remain unchanged. For instance, you may think that the world has changed and gender equality has been accomplished, at least in advanced countries like USA and UK. Really? If you have read Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In”, you will know that women still have a long way to go. Despite various systems that support women in career and education, a majority of women still live in a traditional way- in order words, staying at home with their children and not working to support their family- waiting for their husbands or husband-to-be to pay for all the bills. It is still a global phenomenon that most women quit their jobs once they give birth to a child. Things are changing rapidly, and more and more women participate in a labor market, but there are still many more barriers for women than for men.

What does this imply for dating? Well, in my opinion, unless the society changes so that gender equality is truly achieved, women will still want men to pay for the first few dates! Good news for men is, women are willing to pay once they are in a committed relationship or once they’ve gone on a date with their dates a few times. Or, even during a first date, if men pay for dinner, women will pay for coffee or for whatever their next date plan is. Women still do want to look polite and show that they are not “using” him per se, and they will pay when it’s the “right time” for them.

The reality is, asking women to go dutch on a first date is a huge turn-off for women. It’s just weird, isn’t it? Women will say “no problem; let’s split the bill” with a (fake) smile, but unless they fall in love with you at first sight, they won’t answer your text ever again. Think about it. There are plenty of men who would like to take your date for dinner. Unless you are significantly better off than your “competitors,” she is unlikely to choose you in the end! Maybe she will give you a second chance, but she will still look for guys who are more “gentle” and who can show that they have a steady income.

The exception – probably the only exception- is when women are much older than men. Older women are willing to suggest paying for dates first, especially if their dates are students (or looking for a job). Indeed, there seem to be many men who specifically look for (or intentionally target) older women because they pay for dates more often and they “take good care of” their men. But, even if you are dating older women, I still recommend you to offer to pay for a first date because it just shows that you see her as a woman (not a mom), are into her and perhaps want to see her again! Most women intuitively think that it is a “sign” that men like them when men willingly and happily pay for dates first.

So, advice for men: don’t blame women for not picking up their wallet! Rather, blame the society, which is still working to “fix” the problem of gender inequality. Women will gladly pay later, that is if they like you, either by paying for dates at a later time or by preparing a nice dinner for you at her house. At least credit card companies are on your side, helping you pay for dates in advance and letting you pay back later. And for a first date, you don’t have to take women to a very expensive restaurant for dinner (unless you are wealthy or you can afford it.) Women care less about the quality of food or the mood of the restaurant than about whether their date is their type or whether the chemistry is there.